The dog sneezed on my feet so I wiped my feet on the dog.

Sometimes when I take the dog to the groomer and they ask what I want, I channel my inner Prince Akeem and reply back, “Just make it nice and neat.”

Dear Marketers, For the love of Dog, don’t use doorbell sounds in your halloween candy commercials. Sincerely, Penny’s Human

I could be wrong about this but I feel that airport restaurant servers give very few shits. Like next to none.

Why are persistent LiveChat helpers/modals on websites a thing these days? Stop it. Stop it right now.

Does anyone else use Google Maps to look up local business info (hours, phone, address, website) with no intention of navigating to the business? It is basically my Yelp replacement.

Imagine how quickly you could floss your teeth if you were an octopus 🐙

Me: *placing a to-go order via phone and was disconnected during the phone numberconfirmation portion.* Me: *called back twice to no answer* Restaurant guy: *redials me somehow* Me: “Hello?” Him: “Sorry about that. What’s your phone number again?” Me: 😑

Quarantine Day 26 (I've been WFH for a while) -- There is no greater joy than entering and successfully auth'ing with an RSA token passcode as the timer winds down to 0. ⏲💣

Was eating chocolate covered raisins and glanced at my vitamins. A few seconds later… p sure I swallowed a few raisins whole.

If I could have any super power it would be accurately assessing the voluming of my leftovers for an appropriately sized tupperware container.

Every few years I have to download Cyberduck again and it is just so nostalgic.

This is Milo. He’s the butterfly king. Has ruled benevolently in this garden for many years. 14/10 (IG: milo_the_toller)

There is nobody more Patriotic than me, your favorite Commander!

pick up phone, look at news, blood pressure elevates, put down phone, close eyes, breathe, repeat.

Why didn’t they have the press conference in *front* of Four Seasons Total Landscaping? It looks nice and... totally landscaped.

Not gonna lie... I feel great today. What a great week. And it’s only Monday. 🇺🇸

My favorite plot line of 2020!

Secretary of State Anthony Blinken is my favorite joke this year. A. Blinken. Did you say “Abe Lincoln?”No, I said “A. Blinken.”

The devil made web ads youtube.com/clip/Ugkx47Lhd…