I've entered to win a keto cruise and other great keto prizes -- and to raise awareness on putting type 2 diabetes in remission -- in The HEALcare Put Diabetes in Remission Keto Cruise Giveaway. #healcarecruise healclinics.com/healcarecruise

Can you help settle a disagreement between me and a friend? We can't agree on the correct term for a male judge. Anyone?

Is it REALLY possible for men to juggle kids, housework, festival hair, 7 almonds, age defying exercise and a pH balanced penis?

Donald Trump is looking to ban e-cigs because killing children is what guns are for.

Exercise bike not included. #AviationGin

My coworker just told me instead of coffee she runs a mile in the morning to wake up and not to be dramatic but I think she’s a serial killer

"This restaurant serves food or shit. Which would you like?" "I only want my FAVORITE food. Otherwise, shit." - America 2020

We owe a profound debt of gratitude to all our health professionals and everybody who’ll be on the front lines of this pandemic for a long while. They’re giving everything. May we all model our own behavior on their selflessness and sacrifice as we help each other through this.

I appreciate the fact that dan levy is out there speaking for all of us... 👏🏻

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden. Over the fence to our neighbour: ‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’ ‘Okay I will in a minute’ ‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’ ‘I’m not that old thank you’ ‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’ ‘I’m 68.’ ‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Saw a meme saying that SROs are not HROs (Home Resource Officers). Couldn’t disagree more. If you need us, please let us know. Our love for our students is not conditional!

.Rachel Maddow MSNBC nailed it last night. “If Trump is going to keep lying like he has been every day on stuff this important, we should, all of us, stop broadcasting it. Honestly, it's going to cost lives.” WATCH.

I dont like to get too vulgar in my tweets, but this whole situation is, and once again pardon my language, a real bummer

Trump wants to open up the nation by Easter because he clearly observes Christian holidays. For example, he gave up your grandparents for Lent.

I forgot to pick my kid up from school. Entirely. [Insert running montage] Me: OH BUDDY I AM SO SORRY Him: I am okay! Me: you must have been so worried Him: I forgive you mom Me: oh honey. let's get some cookies Him: and tv? Me: ... Him: because I have been so very alone?

The first one-term president in thirty years, and the only one to lose the popular vote twice. Congrats on making history, Donald J. Trump.

Yup. Van Jones nails it. It’s easier to be a dad today. Listen to this. Every word.

When you say God will protect you, what that means is that God has given you the intellect to understand science and the wisdom to listen to experts. It doesn’t mean that She will prevent you from getting sick despite your poor decisions. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Let’s Go ASTROS! #LevelUp