Let's never forget the one time I commented on a Facebook post and was mistaken for a man.

Quarantine party at my house. Very exclusive. First 9 people only.

Great read about the possible effects the pandemic could have in America. politico.com/news/magazine/…

To hear us talk about it, you’d think a hospital was only populated with doctors and nurses... sometimes we will add on mention of “and other staff.” We can’t care for a single patient without those “other staff.” Here are a few (thread).

My pop socket broke off my phone and now I'm realizing how useless my hands are and have always been.

It's a great time to catfish someone.

The to-go box industry must be booming right now.

Apparently you can chain yourself to your mask for the low price of $68.

Let's all hibernate for the winter, eh? Bears make it look so easy.

Sometimes I torture myself by reading 1 star reviews of my favorite books

*taking 3 ibuprofen instead of just 2* i’m here for a good time not a long time

#dailyreminder

People don’t know what causation vs correlation is and it really shows.

I tried to Google “do cats wink?” but I instead said “do cats sink?” and now I’m worried about what category Google advertisers just put me in.

My wife got mad at me because I bought this hot dog card for $8. But what she doesn't realize is that it sings and it's an INVESTMENT.

I hope Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift have a lovely day. They seem like really nice people & also, in general, I simply support anything that irritates miserable people.

sweet little valentines to send to your loved ones <3 a 🧵:

Mass Shooting happening right now at KC Chiefs Parade... #ChiefsParade