My wife and I have been married 38 yrs and raised 2 children. I love her with all of my ❤️, but if Salma Hayek ever shows up topless with lasagna and asks me to run away, I’m counting on one of you donkeys to tell old what’s her face it was a good run

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

love my chin hair or gtfo

In 10 words or less tell a true story with no context. “One time I accidentally shaved part of my eyebrow off.”

I am embarrassed to admit how much I enjoy my weather app

when you want to eat every kind of sweet potato poly yam orous

Gosh I wish I was cool enough to go to the gym just to take pics of my abs

"Life is just a big pain in the arse" *Kermit the frog, probably.

i create content for fun, i run my snapchat for fun, when it becomes less fun i take breaks, i don’t feel bad for it either. when i say i’m not adding people it’s for this reason. you can be annoyed but i still don’t feel bad.

Whoever came up with the “skip intro” option deserves to get head every day for the rest of their lives.

How old are you, again? - Me, to me, every time I laugh at something that's shaped like a penis

99 is too many problems tbh

My eye is doing that annoying twitchy thing. Clearly an indication that I’m a fembot 💅🏻

gym make legs go nope

Relentless craving oblivious of praying, Inexplicably I seek a glimmer of moon and jasmine in bloom, My darkness savagely piqued; Breathtaking visage, his eyes my prison; A captivating creature enchanting me with every word and myth I find myself, believer

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn't find one.

Who called it standing sex and not another prick in the wall?

Nothing is sexier than a man who is in love with you and not afraid to show it 🤍