People get mad at babies crying on airplanes, meanwhile the little things just like why the fuck this tube so high

3 topping pizza please, yes could I get uhh cheese, ummm, sauce? And maybe a little bit of crust?

Been microdosing my meals, I been twee as hell eating morsels and nibbles

There's no time to do anything- My jaw snaps shut and eyes lose all color leaving only an opaque white ball. In the prison of my mind I am forced to watch the countless hours I spent watching fake ads for idle phone games.

I saw a dude on the train googling "Saltburn ending explained" and I put him in a full-nelson

Upper deck fully shoe'd w/ cinnamon hearts, s/o all the lovers today

NYT Mini actually has my guts trained to shit at 8 pm MST everyday

Dune 2 was good but the end credits scene of Paul Atreides singing White Iverson felt out of place

Recently rewatched Mad men and this time around it struck me that Don is not the hero (girlfriend leaves room) if Don Draper was a fire truck he would be the biggest one in the world

Everytime I see carrot cut like potato chip im like ummmmmm what da heck

Me when go to jail: I have exited the rat race for good

RFK so serious about locating the Githyanki Creche rn

I'm not drunk officer I'm just a little delirious on account of the beers

If I was wiser younger I'dve for sure made a pedal pub x freedom convoy tweet, alas I am too soon old and too late smart

I wanna smoke that shit that made scrappy doos head get huge

Girlfriends out of town again

Rewatching Paddington & I can’t help but notice he manages the whole boat trip from Peru without breaking a single jar of his marmalade. Not so clumsy when it’s your stuff & it matters to you are you, you little prick?

Me calling Alberta Fish and Wildlife: I have no idea what the fuck I'm looking at can I blast it

Cat loser guy at restaurant for first time: uhh I'll have the chunks, uhh, in gravy

Everytime someone makes a joke I saying "this sounds like something deadpool from deapool 2 would say"