Pretty sure one of these is running/ruining America... bigbadtoystore.com/Product/Variat…

Went to the petrol station last night but it said open 24/7, so just came home and will go today sometime.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat? Teaching his dog to sit was too messy.

Can I recommend a Deep Pro? Sturdy with a see-through top, perfectly proportioned and handles a big load, you can buy one at S&M. Er, B&M. Pug not included but make me an offer, his farts would see off a pandemic.

Social distancing at it's finest.

I'm denying that.

Thought this edjit had been run over at first, just remarkably relaxed as it turns out 😂

I laughed disproportionately at Billy Idle...

Just had my first Oreo McFlurry, it was like someone tipped a toaster's crumb tray over ice cream 😕

Thank fuck I bought that expensive parcel box, put reflective tape on it and a big red 'PARCELS' sign above it...

What's the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles.

Staring contest (the cat won).

I told a friend of mine I liked Beyoncé. She said "Whatever floats your boat". I said "No, that's buoyancy...".

"Look, I know Dave's hairdresser got an MBE, but that's no reason to turn me into Worzel Gummidge."