this man’s spunk must taste like pure battery acid

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

i got 5 hot kpop boys on me in the izakaya rn saying im yeppeoyo im never coming back ✌️

hey what’s the kind of trauma that makes you nearly burst into tears when a stranger shows the slightest bit of kindness to you, asking for a friend

just had some pulled pork that was so good i involuntarily moaned

i don’t think half the people who drive electric cars understand how to do it right and they are making me extremely nauseous

lazy sunday vibes

never forget when i said the british triangle sandwiches were stupid and someone on this app called me ableist

this random guy took the cuntiest picture of me ever last night

some Irish primary school kids made a tune and there is zero legitimate reason for it to go this hard holy shit

we all have that super funny mutual who has absurdly big tits and correct opinions

Productivity hack:

Phone in syrup.

When I’m working, I put my phone in a bowl of corn syrup. Trying to take it out is so messy and gross that it creates a sensory aversion stronger than my desire to check it. (You can use any syrup)

anywho if anyone needs a mom friend to take care of them when they go out i am available

in south korea they have flavored cigarettes that are basically like camel crushes for kids…it’s awesome

HELPPPP THIS IS SO FUNNY