[The cops are dragging me away after 9 hours of unlimited crab legs at the Baccanal Buffet at Caesar's Palace]

ME (chewing): You know what these fuckers did to Amelia Earhart?

[indiana jones and the holy grail]

KNIGHT: But choose wisely! For the true grail brings…I-I wasn’t finished talking. Did you drink out of one already?

ME (aging rapidly): …no?

PRESIDENT KENNEDY (nervously): er, uhh, what the hell is a book depository?

ME: don’t worry about it

[consoling a friend after a breakup]

HIM: I won’t find anyone as good as her

ME (just finished watching Moneyball): we’ll recreate her in the aggregate

[umpire checking a baseball pitcher's hands for illegal substances]

UMPIRE: this doesn't look good
PITCHER: what?
UMPIRE: your life line says you've only got a year left to live

[my buildings on fire and ive just seen Spider-Man rescue my girlfriend, make out with her, and come back for me]

ME (dying): just fucking leave me

[my wife is cheating on me with Monty Hall]

WIFE (opening closet): There’s no one here, see?

ME: He’s behind the curtain!

MONTY HALL (hidden): I’ll give you a chance to change your answer from curtain to bathroom door

[thanksgiving dinner where Eddie Murphy is playing all of my family members]

ME (sobbing): please just tell me what you did to them

[1998 psycho remake starring Vince Vaughn]

Norman Bates: you’re so mommy, baby, you don’t even know it

BOB COSTAS: They say there once was a man from Nantucket-

RON DARLING: 0-2 count-

BOB COSTAS: but if our universe exists within a multiverse then one can surmise there are infinite men from Nantucket always

RON DARLING: nasty slider from Ohtani

I am scared to squish a spider but I’d have no problem cyberbullying a spider into killing itself

what’s your favorite book of the bible, Identity, Supremacy, or Ultimatum?

misinformation on here is outta control

the American dental association is staking out my son’s bedroom with the FBI waiting to arrest the tooth fairy

[my flight is cancelled and my girlfriend is mad at me]

ME: There’s really no more flights out of Tokyo. A giant lizard is destroying the city-

*sighs*

ME (rubbing eyes): I know I used the same excuse last time…

I guess the speakers on the ice cream truck parked outside of my apartment are broken because the ice cream man has just been yelling the song acapella for fifteen minutes

my parents are taking the Shinzo Abe news very hard

each hot dog takes 36 minutes off your life. he is the 16 time world hot dog eating champion. the people chant for him. he cannot stop. the meat fills him. the people demand more. each hot dog takes 36 minutes off your life. he has eaten tens of thousands of hot dogs. he begs for