I know my tweets don't reach a broad audience, but still, if you see this and have a bone saw I can borrow, please hit me up!

Okay, so no bone saws. Anyone got a mini guillotine lying around perhaps? Not needed for the chopping of heads, just has to go through an ankle bone.

Ever felt jealous just because you saw someone put both feet down? I do... haven't been able to put my right foot down since November, and I'm over it :( No bone saw or mini guillotine offers, so I'm stuck sticking with modern-day medicine. #notahappycamper

This morning, my son woke up his dad to tell him he made him breakfast. After my dear husband entered the kitchen he was treated with a big smile and the yelling out of "APRIL FOOLS"! Fun Fact, no one woke me for a prank :P The know not to mess with mom :P

I'm pissed off at my husband, and he did nothing wrong. I just woke up feeling terrible, and he's sleeping like a baby next to me. I dreamt he cheated on me. It was so real that I'm actually mad he cheated on me and truly feel cheated on... 4am, and I'm awake and pissed off!

... Me too, me too

When I was just a wee little lass, my mom had gotten me a tile that said this, and something in my little brain went, "Challenge accepted!"

I... Can't anymore. Listing all the horror authors in my bookcase (what can I say, I like the genre) and he knows not a single one, not even Stephen King...

Could 2 followers please copy and re-post this tweet? We’re trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening. Call 116 123 (Samaritans United Kingdom and Ireland) Just two. Any two. Copy, not retweet.

Fuckin hell i'm old :( #MyTwitterAnniversary

My 11 year old (Middle child) seriously asked me today why she isn't forgotten, since she's the middle child... What on earth are these kids learning and where from?

Looking for (legal) ways to make someones life hell. This is someone I no longer have dealings with, but they deserve hell! Any tips?

Dear, Amazon can you please explain why it is that if I order something for my office (with a business account), you are adamant on delivering after office hours and when I order something privately you are adamant on delivery during office hours. Make it make sense.

When I saw R Kelly was trending, I fully believed Trump pardoned him...

Why the fuck is that listed under career...

Guess I've pissed off enough scammers for my number to be used in their spoof pool. Maybe they think they are inconveniencing me, but no, they are allowing me to educate those who would call back a scammer.