A little kid probably 5 or 6 years old called me a poopyhead it was kind of cute. Of course I told him to fuck off, no one talks to me like that.

After eating today, we’re all balloons in a Thanksgiving Day parade

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Don’t worry everybody I found my eating pants. Thanksgiving is saved.

"I'm going to bed" doesn't mean I'm gonna stop tweeting, I'm just lying in bed and tweeting

If they wanted to (clip your toenails with their teeth) they would

Remember to pretend the Brown 'n' Serve rolls aren't burnt on the bottom today.

I need to sleep, but I also need to be up in 2.5 hours, and I’m not tired. Today should be fun

By Avogado6

retiring my wallet condom after two years of active duty 87 tours with 0 combat deployments

Not everybody fucks their cousins, but everybody knows which one they would pick if they were forced to choose.

Stop fighting on the internet and go fight with your families like the pioneers.

Good morning to the people who barely survived their dreams

Having floor time thinking about how hard uppies would hit rn

the horror of being alone with your thoughts for five minutes at a stretch

Gourd flasks. The perfect centerpieces for getting through family Thanksgiving.

I'm going to trace turkeys* on your neck for Thanksgiving. *hands

Happy thanksgiving, you meatheads!enjoy some art from J.C. Leyendecker, the greatest American illustrator.

Thanksgiving. The day you want to undo your pants, but not hers.

Thanksgiving isn't fun until grandma declares "This turkey is drier than my vagina!".