I think it's only right that statues of people who destroyed lives in the past should be removed. Anyway, I'm off to pull Thatchers statue down, who's coming?

M&S rebrands Midget Gems to avoid offending people with dwarfism. Yeah, right. Let's ban hopscotch so as not to offend Heather Mills.

A bit skint? Out of work? Court case coming up? Got any old medals to weigh in? Call in at Cash Generator Windsor, we'll guarantee you a fair price.

ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM: If you're quick, you might just make the same flight as Novak Djokovic.

Meatloaf dies of covid. How fitting that he should die because of a bat out of hell. And as usual, stolen by Bob Cuntstick.

I won a holiday to Ceasers Palace Las Vegas, all I can eat and drink, plus five thousand pounds for the tables, waited on hand and foot by stunning women then I hear Adele has cancelled her shows. I mean, come on now, just how lucky can a guy get?

In a world of evil, there is always beauty. My two best pals, preferred to most people.

My obnoxious teenage son found a sex tape his mum and me made years ago and threatened to release it to the internet if we didn't buy him a new games console, "Crack on son, " I told him, "it's on Betamax. "

Just seen a goose walking down our street, I immediately run out and shouted BOO! at it. Fuck the system.

Just heard the old woman next door tried to commit suicide by putting her head in the gas oven. I never realised she was so wealthy.

Looks like Jimmy Carr is going to have to pay full price if he needs a new driveway in the near future.

Spend a day in Bradford if you think your town is shit, which funnily enough why the people of Bradford come to Rochdale.

We put our house up for sale and got offered a weeks supply of gas for it, I'm thinking of accepting.

I've just seen a goose walking down our street, I immediately ran out and shouted BOO! at it. Fuck the system.

Spotify is safe to use now. Joni Mitchel and Neil Young have fucked off.

Uri Gellar has warned the US that an alien invasion is likely in the near future. Thick fucker can't even spell Russian properly.

It's OK for the government to take wine to work and have a good old time, but when I did it on the no 17 to Manchester passengers complained like fuck. One rule for ministers and their cronies but another for hard working bus drivers.

Be careful of local swimming pools offering water sports. Some girls are no fun at all and they do press charges.