my hands shake. i kiss his cheeks, his brow, it will be over soon. i do not look at his eyes, i do not cry, this i can spare him.

⠀if i’m gonna lose you either way. ⠀if i’m gonna lose you either way. ⠀if i’m gonna lose you either way. ⠀i’m gonna lose you either way.

（ creeping closer … flopping down on him. ）

i feel so lonely, like childhood again.

am i supposed to be grateful to have survived this?

i look for a picture of you to keep in my pocket, but i can't seem to find one where you look how i remember.

i don't want soft or subtle. i want rough, wild, heartache, i want you.

i   have   a   very   childlike   rage,   and   a   very   childlike   loneliness.

i resented you so. i had to keep moving forward in every moment, but you were always my one and only weakness. that's why i resented you so.

i know of a man who never gave up even when he was surrounded by nothing but despair.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I think my mother cared , I'm not sure .

i want to be everything to you... the best and the worst person you ever knew.

it occurs to me that if i kill him， i can finally stop thinking about him. if i kill him， i won't have to feel like this anymore.

if you die after all this, i’ll never forgive you for it.

you touch my face in forgiveness and i burn with a thing i still have no name for

acceptance. i finally reach it. but something is wrong. grief is a circular staircase. i have lost you.