Hey guys… I’m here.

I was going to post a naked pic but then I remembered what I look like naked.

I enjoy long walks on the beach… sorry I spelled blow jobs wrong.

2 weeks, no booze. cali-sober yo.

Broken bones heal stronger and so do broken people. Just kidding, go fuck yourself.

Stop whispering Diiiick. Scream it.

This place smells of sex and regret.

It’s fine, everything’s fine. Me at work 50 times a day.

How people actually look after speed dating.

I am swearing off of women... Ok, that lasted until I finished typing women. Now taking applications for a rough sex partner.

I remember when I was married and I liked twitter.

It’s so nice out! Have great Saturday Tweebs. Or do I call you X’s now? Kind of has negative connotations. Anyway I finally got this print!

If you’re online dating and you filter your pics, you do know the end game is to meet right? Like we are going to find out and it’s kind of fucked up.

#NewProfilePic

Like my pic you fucks

Stop, just stop

So… ummm. She had had a breast reduction and 6 months later she beat it.

Your boyfriend’s back and you’re going to be in trouble.

Follow the advice carved into a bathroom wall. Don’t look through the peep hole.

Nobody talks about dick anymore.