For the last time: no, you cannot select your seat in advance and no, there are not enough seats for everyone. You want to sit? Stay on Earth.

In the event of a *water landing*, be thankful - the other option is a *fire landing* and your seat cushion can’t help you in those.

yes, there are a lot of crying babies on board the spaceship for some reason

See now THIS is the right attitude to have when we take you to space

Everyone on our staff has a PhD in Aerospace Engineering, but yeah - “stewardess” is fine

Hey sorry we didn’t tweet at 1pm like usual but we were concentrating on flying in fucking space!

Wait did anyone actually make sure Mark knew he was supposed to fly the spaceship today? Come on guys.

On our space flights, WAP stands for “wet ass pillow”, because the pillows we give you are wet for some reason

After the unfortunate events of last week, we have fired the guy in charge of the cockpit keys

Apparently we were meant to tell the government we were doing this?

Probably the best part of seeing Earth from space is telling everyone roughly where your house is

It is wild how many robots are on Mars they’re just all over that planet

Ok it’s not complicated so once again, let’s be clear: instead of saying “flight,” we say “space.” For example: We have one movie as our in-space entertainment option and it is Space starring Denzel Washington.

The hardest part of our job is a toss-up between all the passenger deaths and having to get up early on Thursdays to move all the spaceships because of street cleaning

we flew into the mirror again

Let’s face it - we’re all going to die. Why not do it in space?

Ask us about our meal options, they’re remarkably easy to recite from memory (there are two, usually)

Just to be clear, nobody has died of covid on our space flights. All our passenger deaths are from cool space stuff like oxygen depletion and what? Oh. Allegedly. washingtonpost.com/transportation…

If it’s cool with everyone we’re just gonna orbit a few more times and come back after January 20th

It is truly baffling how many people expect us to have WiFi in space