These anger management classes are just what the court ordered.

When I say I’m complicated I mean I want to put square ice cubes into circular glasses and I want to put circle ice cubes into square glasses.

Hey I just noticed you liked 57 of my posts in a row but none with photos of me in them you must be like reallyyyy esoteric and deep and a great respector of women we should go out sometime

Babe are you okay you didn’t make the stud finder joke when you put up the shelf

Dude, I'm super woke. Like, I had some coffee and some liberal thoughts. Come at me, bro..

Before we become friends, could you please sign this NDA.

"Your next move matters more than your last mistake". *I say to myself as I try to escape from the fitted sheet I was folding

man'slive, man'slove, man'slaughter

in a world built on apathy, caring is rebellious. effort is punk. giving a damn is defiance.

I hate perimenopause. I go from Havisham to Hyde.

Your character is your currency.

You may have been the one that got away. No, not you.

As a kid, I thought Skeletor was terrifying. As an adult, I realize he was just exhausted, hungry, and surrounded by fools.

You my kneel and worship me *laughs God-like* 😈

People weren't going out to dinner in DC because they feared for their lives? I'ma need some firsthand accounts on that.

Somehow logged a 6-minute walk while sitting in a meeting, so this is now a fitness account

Self-confidence isn't loud, it's steady

Last night in Toronto!

Sexy red flags writing about other’s sexy red flags is a deeper darker shade of sexy red flag.

Says fuck off like cook off.