107 Die in Crane Collapse in Mecca, Prayers Wishing For A Closer Relationship With God Immediately Granted.

Officer Slager Caught On Tape Planting Taser By Slain Walter Scott, Nation Turns Off TV in Favor of Game of 'CLUE.'

California Wild Fires Devastate Parts of State, Hollywood Screenwriters Rush to Sell Apocalyptic Movie Scripts About Wild Fires.

Trump Cowers Before Supporter Claiming Muslims Are The Problem In US, Republican Muslims Go Extinct.

Ben Carson Believes Islam Incompatible With US Constitution, Nation Agrees Carson Incompatible With US Presidency.

Scott Walker Drops Out of Republican Primary, Koch Brothers Now Taking Bids For New Pets.

Republican Presidential Candidate, Carly Fiorina, Refers to Putin As 'Formidable Adversary', Struggles To Contain Bloodlust Orgasm.

Alabama Gunman Claims Breakup Led to Church Shooting, NRA Hires Improvisors to Riff On More Possible Reasons Why They're Free of Blame.

Hedge Funder, Martin Shkreli, Price Gouges Life Saving Drug, Karma Excited to Test New Devastating Weapon.

Notorious Public Figure Beverage Thief Strikes Again, Adds One More To Devoured Soul Collection.

Pope Francis Sides With Kim Davis, Reminds World That God's Word Is Still Wrong.

Florida Man Sentenced To 2 1/2 Years In Prison For Sex On Public Beach, Women Everywhere Rejoice For Excuse to Avoid Sandy Vaginas.

U.S. Expected to Take In Another 100,000 Syrian Refugees, Trump Gets Another Opportunity to Sound More Racist.

NASA Discovers Water On Mars, Bottling Companies Already Considering Possible Price Points.

Jury Forced to Watch Hulk Hogan Sex Tape, Obama To Immediately Confiscate Tape To Combat ISIS.

US in Talks With China Over Internet Security, American Hackers Hopeful They're Learn Something.

Obama Invites Muslim Student To White House After Bomb Scare Arrest, Muslims Happy To Get One Last Visit Before Trump Moves In.

Scientists Report Earth May See Increasing Number of Hurricanes And Superstorms In Immediate Future, Republicans Blame Planned Parenthood.

Teen Prosecuted As Adult For Child Porn For Nude Photos Of Himself On Phone, Apple Introduces Encrypted 'Underage Nude Selfies' Folder.

LinkedIn To Pay $13M After Losing Class-Action Lawsuit, Reminds Thousands of Users They Forgot To Delete LinkedIn Account.