I just found my own foreskin at a hang-glider store.

If duct-taping a matchbox trans am to one's ear and pretending it's a bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe -- hang on. I've got to take this.

Sorry I was acting weird last night. In my defense, I am very weird.

Baby's first cruise buffet

start diggin in yo hut twin

If Leighton Meester married Aaron Rodgers, she'd be Leighton Meester Rodgers.

Therapy is not truly warranted until they start posting heartfelt videos here.

It’s practically impossible to walk down a public street in a hospital gown and not have some sicko taking a picture or honking a horn.

And this is why I’m banned from secret Santa events at work.

My online dating profile just says “Adequate lover.”

Eric Alper 🎧 GORDON LIGHTFOOT - SUNDOWN youtu.be/1IBdZ645S-o -

Stop saying FAFO if you can't do 10 situps.

Everyone at work brings their problems to me because I’m more likable than the other managers—which is crazy because I go out of my way to be a pain in the ass on a regular basis.

Pretty sure Scottish people are all faking the accent.

If you ever see me in your instagram stories, it was by accident.

You can tell a lot about a person by how long they’re in the Confessional.

You’ve met me at a very steak nachos time in my life.