Meeeeeee babyyyyyyyy

Be the horrifying lore of your family's lineage.

My God Charles, are we to receive every Bennett in the country

dutch so unserious

I actually have an ass that can and frequently does quit

this was my stake president when i was coerced to repent for being molested (he was my bishop when i started being molested)

“At a certain point, you cannot calibrate all your work to the dumbest person in the room” is such an exquisite response to terrible script notes, I’m going to needlepoint it on a pillow for my office

the great thing about The Thong Song is you can really feel his earnest yearning to see that thong

@j_n_foster Eternally pleading the fifth

Getting her an engagement ring for Christmas? - predictable - no element of surprise - perhaps, too romantic - not a legal form of ID Getting her a lifetime fishing license for Christmas? - instant shock and awe - will never see it coming - is an official state document

Straight fellas, if you ever land the undisputed queen of anything, here’s the line: You: For all her many accomplishments, I’ve already done something she can *never* top Interviewer: And what’s that? You: I bagged THE All-Time Number One

There are two kinds of Mormons: 1. Those who realize there have been hundreds of instances where active Mormon priesthood holders sexually abused their own children or other vulnerable people. 2. Those who haven’t seen floodlit.org With the lights on, you can see.

plotlines about shallow, uptight big city people coming to a small town and discovering community, human kindness etc drive me insane because – as someone who grew up in a small town, population 2,500 – it works the complete opposite way. big city culture is the humanizing one

taylor swift in the studio with jack antonoff like hey jack im gonna be real suicidal for a second can you put some synths on that and boy he sure does put some synths on that

Nothing quite like getting buzzed and visiting a historic church.

The only thing women shouldn’t wear after 35 is the weight of societal expectations

Dolly Parton could heal me.