Update: this is definitely a stick pandemic.

Being annoyingly particular about semantics is one of my Sam antics!!! 🤬🕺👨🏻‍⚕️#pissedoffmygirlfriend #shesupset sj

A mummy is just a wrapped up zombie change my mind

New business idea: Cheese Candles. Think about it. Brianstorm creds to #AudreyKim

Can i get uhhhh… one I wish I was happy meal

Just wanted to remind everyone that whatever you’re listening to today on spotify WILL be taken into account by your spotify wrapped. Actions have consequences.

You get your news from Twitter, I get mine from Snapple caps. We are not the same.

If ur the person that says “cha cha cha” during a heartfelt rendition of Happy Birthday, don’t talk to me :(

Sometimes you just gotta separate the politics from the politician, ya know?

Bro I hate the electoral college, they always beat us in football

Don’t worry fans, i’m boycotting Twitter in between making tweets. Not cause of elon, i just don’t like reading tweets unless they’re my own

We need to start normalizing asking the bartender which drink has the greatest alcohol to price ratio

Are dogs ticklish?

Every nurse taking care of me has now involuntarily signed up to hear a tight 5 minute set.

Fuck wheels or doors, are there more songs or books?

Brown University: Honey Nut Cheerios for the Ratty - Sign the Petition! chng.it/WPXkjfry via Change.org Sobhit Singh Arora

If all moms are heroes, but not all heroes wear capes, then how many moms where capes????

“It’s not insider trading if you take a loss” - anonymous

Does Wu-tanging the j count as breaking dry January?

"No broke boys, no new friends" was not very growth mindset of Disco Lines and Tinashe