i legitimately think i broke a rib at the red eye gig it’s always so humbling when hardcore is… hardcore

i wish the silent generation would shut the fuck up

one time when i was like 12 my moms friend came over and her and my mom were reading aloud the lyrics to baby from the insert on my justin bieber cd and i vividly remember her being like “it took 5 people to write baby… 56 times?!” anyways i was butthurt but they were right

Fry Cook lookalike contest at local McDonalds. $14/hour cash prize. maybe y’all should check it out 😂

washing my bridesmaids dress from april that says dry clean only in the washer after giving up spot cleaning it let’s see if they were lying or if these stains come out 🤞🏼

if u haven’t wiped your coochie with the cardboard part of the toilet paper roll you are not a real 365 party girl

Bringing this to the bar this weekend fyi

i’m in a city 1 hr from mine. why r the commercials different. what up w dat

rip david lunch. i loved his work. like sandwich

just realize i have 5 years of twitter dm requests oops

“For the last time, Mr. Wonka, I did not try any experimental gum, and frankly I find this entire line of questioning insulting.”

everyone’s freaking birthday recently my god

i can leave my towels in the dryer for 3 days after they’ve done one cycle but need another. i consider them parboiled. now 3 days in the washer would be unthinkable, but kind of blanching it enough from keeping it from getting stinky then finishing it later seems to work! :)

we should end the monopoly Christians have on the word “righteous”

i is, therefore, i am

what’s his face from whatever the fuck really looks like marlon brando

i would hope that healthcare professionals are trained to spot this type of pre-smothering behavior

When the sex starts to feel like you’ve abandoned yourself for the illusion of connection