I mean… the plane nap after 3 beers waiting for my delayed flight is about hit. 😴 🍻

the question is, can the plane safely land in Pittsburgh?

💧 ✈️

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

I live for a perfectly timed airport experience. ✈️

you relax for 15 minutes after work and next thing you know it’s 10pm

i think jobs should have 30 minutes of silent reading time every day after lunch just like fifth grade did

everyone keeps saying “teagan’s too young for braces, expander, etc” and considering she brought Pooh to her appointment today probably validates everyone’s statement

m: thanks for being the greatest kid ever
t: welcome 💁🏼‍♀️
m: but screw you for letting me thinking I could have more cause these two are insane!

I've decided that I'm not happy with my body but instead of diet and exercise I'd just like to ask you all to avert your eyes.

a: wow, me pooping a lot in potty
m: oh you’re pooping!?
a: and peeing
m: oh both, cool
a: I like it

a: you like this one? (referencing a Peppa video)
m: no, I don’t like peppa
g: you like toys?
m: not really
g: you like dada?
m: yeahhhh

🤣

s: we should have our moms over for dinner soon to talk the logistics for when we’re in Nashville.
c: we probably should’ve considered that before booking the trip

My son texted me this morning and told me he had left his laptop behind. I replied, “Too bad. Learn some responsibility.” And then we laughed and laughed and I got into the car and dropped it off at the school for him.

cory comes home and says: “my mom said she put a card in the mailbox for our anniversary, I don’t know why, it’s two weeks away”

our anniversary is tomorrow.

dare I say, I think all of christmas is finally out away!

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It's Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

me to the kids: should we leave a shot or two of tequila out for Santa?

😵‍💫😴

T has somehow romanticized the death of her two angel fish.

“I think Milkshake died, because she missed Shadow and wanted to be with Shadow again. The angel fish loved each other.”

🐠

started the weekend with a Fatheads Holly Jolly 🍺 around 3 during my work christmas party, then did a tequila shot with cory when he got home, switched to a tequila cocktail and now i’m drinking Southern Tier Frosted Sugar Cookie 🍺

safe to assume i’ll be miserable tomorrow

cory ordered a new tv, to be delivered Tuesday, while i’m the only one home.

I said, did we get white glove? secret service? a glass of champagne for my inconvenience!?