Coming back to Twitter is like getting a rebirth except I’m still recovering from being born the first time.

Idea for a new reality TV show: Temptation Island, but instead of 4 couples living with 24 hot singles we just have 4 people in their 20s living with 24 therapists. Mark L. Walberg has to be the host still obviously.

Going through the immigration process in the US is like being in an abusive relationship, at some point you just need to realize this is all bullshit and you’d be happier chugging maple syrup alone in Canada.

One time in high school I had a disagreement with someone during a group project, at the end he said “This is why my dad doesn’t hire foreigners.” Sometimes I wonder how that guy is doing.

Played a risky game of “would my meeting end before my broccoli catches on fire in the oven” today. Turns out if you bake broccoli for long enough you get broccoli chips.

I started my full time job last April from home and told my coworkers I’m 6’5” as a joke. A year later, most of them still genuinely believe that, and I can’t wait to meet them in person.

People grow apart, but I genuinely hope everyone I was close with in the past are living their best lives.

I think I’d win in a fight against 6 geese but I’m not confident.

I rewatch BoJack Horseman whenever I feel a little down. Half of the time it makes me feel better, the other half of the time I end up staying in bed for 5 hours.

I love the smell and sound of mornings. Most humans are not up yet and the birds are straight up vibing.

Thanks for exposing me Spotify

First thing I noticed once I moved from the US to Canada: my targeted ads changed from Krispy Kreme to Tim Horton’s

Normally I’d be texting all my Facebook SWE friends “hey did you break Facebook”, but messenger is also down. What do I do now? Email them my sass?

I mixed my 5mg and 10mg melatonin into one bottle, so now every night I get to play melatonin roulette.

Imagine the Internet but no one is allowed to use autocorrect

Some dude pointed to me and screamed "AWKWAFINA" outside of a club three days ago and I haven't stopped thinking about that moment.