Honey, I shrunk your optimistic outlook on the world.

She’s unhinged. I love her. - me trying to befriend women on twitter

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

Brat summer is over. I’m gearing up for Polish sausage fall and kielbasa winter.

30’s: can’t see far away anymore 40’s: can’t see up close either time: laughs

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Her: "were you thinking about me?" Me: "of course" My brain: *I wonder how fast we'd have to run to not sink on mashed potato

Parents teaching their kids to drive should be exempt from the Open Container Law.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

I don’t like the person I become when my husband finds my secret stash of Circus Animal cookies.

I’ve never used a semicolon with 100% confidence.

If you park in your driveway and block the sidewalk, I’m walking up and around the offending vehicle and through your yard, IDGAF

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human? Me: Of course ba...wait, what? *Her jaw unhinges*

Have you ever let down your hair and your whole scalp feels bruised

Welcome to our home. I’d say sorry for the mess but we have three kids, they’re the ones who should be sorry.

My cat barfed on the tile instead of the carpet and I can't help but think he has a devious endgame

I’m here to do two things: kick ass, and watch “Aliens.” And they just nuked the site from orbit to be sure.

Is your name AVON, because I know you'll be calling?

the greatest trick my dog ever learned was convincing me that i’m actually her emotional support animal

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it