Cones, the bearer of all things good: ice cream, weed and traffic safety

Forget everything you read in history books. The REAL reason we broke away from the British crown is because they weren't smart enough to make the Earl of Sandwich the King of Sandwich.

People look at my resting bitch face and interpret as I’m angry or judgmental when in actuality I’m just daydreaming about cheese.

“I wasn’t listening, but I’m pretty sure I agree with you.” Can’t help but appreciate his honesty..

Craving a snack: *Puts vanilla ice cream in bowl: ok *Adds chocolate chips: better but.. *Adds raisins: hmm, maybe shouldn’t have done that. *Adds raspberries: now way too much going on. *Unsatisfied, finishes bowl and starts over..

*Listens to We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel* *Adds history major to resumé*

A group of cows is called a herd A group of crows is called a murder A group of people is called a stupid

Sometimes I'll eat a salad in public so people will think "well he's husky but at least he's trying"

There are few things in life as exhilarating as very hot or very cold water directly on the butthole

The history is all mixed up, The memories are not mine but as I pass through I’m fascinated by all that I find

I’m too old for the games people still like to play I take my respect and run far away

People: Group therapy is highly successful Fleetwood Mac: Agree to disagree

“I Don’t Know your Name, but I’ve Seen Your Butthole at 7am in a 50 person DM room I was Added to the Middle of the Night.” -The Story of Twitter, the Jack Dorsey years.

Taking a walk down memory lane as she frolics on the ocean floor during low tide.

Working on certain thing and it gets destroyed that’s the meaning of fear.

People that say I “agree with you” are sus af Like, bruh have you seen me?

History repeating it’s self “Did you eat today Did you eat today Did you eat today Did you eat today Did you eat today” ~my grandma

History - from the Greek root meaning to remember shit

BARISTA: what can I get you ME: medium roast please B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato M: *under breath* damn