When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist That kid didn't help at all.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me. When he said it, I was takin' a back.

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham. When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

A british mum and her toddler visit her American friend The mum and her friend were talking late at night when the toddler shouts from the bedroom "mum i have a bloody nose" the friend says "oh you should do something about that" the mum replies " oh no it's allright he's just le

Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?” The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”

She said something about 'waiting until they're born' Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with? Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

I stay up late every night. Regret it in the morning. The next day I do it all over again.

Did you hear about the new movie constipation? [No] It hasn’t come out yet.