Not today Jorts, not today..

If you follow me for more than 20 minutes on the highway and I turn off at a rest stop , I'll be expecting a Blowjob.

Is anybody else s dog bad at playing Jenga ???

Movie theater false bottom dick in popcorn bag trick but instead its with a burrito.

Leaves a post-it on windows in my area reading : The surface area of an average-sized brick is 79 cm squared.

I took the wrong route to work today, which means I'm at work.

Lettuce proceed

You mustard been crazy.

I'd hate for my past to ketchup to me.

That awkward moment when you run your fingers through my armpit hair to see if I'm wearing deodorant.

#MeatlessMonday Japanese sweet potato. Miso. IPA vinegar Trenchermen

Thought about buying a Prius , dropped a hammer on my foot so the feeling would pass.

Pulled my love handle today.

Is there a way to recover a unseasoned cooked pate? Michael Ruhlman 🐀.

Inmates nation wide are butt hurt this valentine's day.

Just imagine how much Plan B was sold this morning.

Hung out with you aunt tonight, bit sad that I can't retrieve my ring pop.

It's legal to punch the first person who goes 'awwh' when you skip a nickelback song on the jukebox.

Anyone calls me , I'm gonna punch them in the head.

How about that dialup Internet tonight?