The entire EarlyBirds subreddit is all failsons who have recently learned how to get up at a normal time. I love it

just had a powerful coffee and am walking around feeling like a really stupid version of the terminator. Scanning around me and the readout is just like: Guy Another guy Chair Pigeon (bird)

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

new yorker cartoon 2024: (woman on bed holding iPhone) "and for my next trick, going to bed without doom scrolling" new yorker cartoon 1934: (man at a party is crawling around on the ground, his wife is holds a martini and explains) "he thinks he's bug"

truly surreal to hear campus protestors being called ‘agents of hamas’ then see an interview with some kid named bryce. hamas doesn’t even know about bryce

if i were a serial killer my nickname would be the "the dash closer" because i only murder people with wikipedia pages. so when someone is like (1966 - ) i close their dash.

losing a competitive 1v1 eBay auction feels kind of amazing. not only do i not have to pay for the stupid thing i don't actually need, but i made my enemy (guy exactly like me) pay an extra $80 for it

yeah i found the perfect source for my article, the CEO of a french AI company with no customers

beginning work on an epistolary novelization of Austin Powers. It will all be letters and diary entries of people encountering him and much like Dracula, the most unsettling part will be everyone acting like his behavior and language is only unusual, not alarming.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

confession time now that Biden seems to be through: I’ve been warging into Major while I sleep and attacking the secret service agents

rookie move, they’ll just call him weirdest and it’ll be over. known this move since i was 8.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

if i were in the situation from Alien i'd immediately kill myself. investigate a nearby colony even though it’s out of the way? inconvenient to me, blasting myself out the airlock

looove the italian HR guy at my new job going through safety stuff "if there is nowhere to run from the shooter, you must create your own weapon...maybe you throw the scissors"

when I push my sunglasses back onto my head, I consider that to be “the male tiara”

After a decade of compulsively sharing my passion for music online for free, I’m moving to Substack. Introducing the newsletter I've been working on all summer: Grace Spelman Music Project. If you’ve enjoyed any of my content, please subscribe! gracespelmanmusicproject.substack.com

In two weeks, dads die, but legends live forever. Experience new levels of thrill and chill. Featuring jamie loftus 🌭 and starring Jon Daly as my dad. See you soon at The Elysian.

I mostly go to the movies by myself but I’m in the theater seeing Heat alone and I feel like a fucking loser. Everyone is here with their best bro. But my best bros all had to work. I’m literally feeling broless right now

my parents lived across the street from a house with a huge Trump flag in the front, but the couple got divorced so the flag came down and yesterday there was a huge framed photo of donald trump at the trash lol