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it’s so annoying when Europeans act like Americans are stupid because we don’t know European history. Actually we’re stupid because we don’t know American history

“don’t get high off your own supply” that is definitely not the type of drug dealer I would be. if I smoke a little crack, that just means I can stay up all night you guessed it, selling more crack

good prop magazine in The Wire

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

I hate when a character in a movie chastises someone by saying “but this isn’t the movies, it’s real life.” you are so fucking wrong you dumbass

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

if you told me the story of Jesus for the first time, when you got to the crucifixion i would be certain that he was going to use his powers as a carpenter to get out of it. that’s why it must have been included

i shouldn't have to wash the colander after making pasta. they were literally just in boiling water, they're the cleanest thing in the house

Now that’s a slogan

its wild how much local LA news is fixated on the threat of looting even though it was like single digit arrests. if you're looking for a juicy story about loss of personal property, might i suggest the devastating inferno

I used to have a coworker with three DUIs. Once we got beers after the warehouse closed and after a few he was like, “man, you know what you should do? Let me drive your car.”

You should be able to ask for other jurors to be dismissed from the juror pool. I pulled jury duty today and a guy next to me was watching The Dark Knight on his phone at 8am

my pitch for a third Babe movie would be that instead of going to another city or even country, Babe the pig is accidentally sent to human hell and has to traverse its 9 circles in a picaresque journey through the worst humans of all-time, in order to return home.

you should be able to kill yourself but just for like a year or so

its amazing how chatgpt knows everything about subjects I know nothing about, but is wrong like 40% of the time about things im an expert on. not going to think about this any further

It sucks that you have to “get ready for bed” right before going to bed. I wish I could brush my teeth and wash my face at like 6pm and then just snack and watch movies til I fuckin drop

my tax strategy is to go to a website i've never heard of before, enter all my most sensitive information, then hit the 'continue' button until i either get $1300 or go to jail

posting this as I’d like to raise awareness of this bill and encourage journalists to cover it: it was drafted in large part in response to my experience with being stalked, and has a real chance of passing. if you’d like to help, below link has ways to do that. thank you!

at the grocery store I let a guy cut in line because he had one item, he then answered a work call and went full 1980s wallstreet nasty guy. He was loudly like, "I'm going to fuck them in the ass," and "they want to fuck me in the ass, but it's not gonna happen"

My Father Has Been Murdered: The Father's Day Special With Dan Hentschel and jamie loftus 🌭 On Father's Day, 6/15, at The Elysian