Wait, don't put away that bagel cuz I'm going to eat it before someone else does

Fuck I need to move my car.... but I really want to eat this bagel

LOL it was just me by myself and my large jalapeno and pepperoni pizza

I wish I was at my pool tanning because I'm whiter than this fucking tee shirt

Watch me never get a job again because this stupid account exists

I'm just not hungry right now. *as she grabs cookies*

*sees cookie tweet* And I'm probably gonna get up and grab another one.

I can't shuv this into my mouth as effectively as I want to... THE SANDWICH I MEAN

If I haven't answered your question the first three times I'm not fucking answering it. Get a fucking hint

This bruise is so ugly... I wish I hadn't tripped over that dog last week