We've reached the point where instant gratification isn't even gratifying anymore.

how bout some chalky stubble on your cupcake -inventor of sprinkles

Pistachios may have the same salt and fat content as potato chips but at least I'm getting some exercise.

I identify with wildflowers in the ditch.

Back in the 70s once you hit the age of 10, your parents basically considered you an adult.

Being old is like being a history teacher and no one wants to take your class.

Thinking about getting a girlfriend just so I can use the carpool lane.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but don't be a dick on the internet today.

Twitter was so much better when it was populated by assholes making jokes rather than assholes making political statements.

If this isn’t showing up in your feed it’s not bc it’s Weekend Twitter it’s bc Elon stirred the algorithm again with his dick.

Sometimes I'd rather lose the fight than lose the friend.

It's wild how some mushrooms will kill you, some will make you see God, and some are just delicious in risotto.

Since ditching tobacco 32 days ago, I haven't killed anybody. Despite wanting to. Often. Inspirational Tweet

kissing is my preferred oblivion

If you talk the talk but can’t walk the walk, social media may be for you.

No one is coming to save you. It’s up to you.

There are fatal consequences to living.

On a clear day if you look up and squint you can still see rock bottom.

The revolution will be sent straight to voice mail.