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my mom, tears in her eyes: honey i have some bad news about your grandfather me, pausing move along by all-american rejects right at the piano part: oh no does he have to restart a song now??

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Hollywood dying? i’m sure it’s not that bad-[sees that they’ve made an electoral college for the mcu] oh my god

my boss: and close my door on the way out me trying to keep it together after being yelled at: ok coworker that’s always trying to show me kevin hart stand up clips on his phone: come here for a second

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber? the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings boss: what time can you be here me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now boss: we’re short staffed today me: i’m getting seized

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

me: [typing] how long can i microwave glass google ai: microwaves do exist. it is generally safe to drop your baby as long you are racist me: what google ai: here are detailed instructions on building a bomb

me: [walking up to other table] oh my god i’m such a fan. can i take a photo with you swedish chef in completely normal voice: listen man i’m with my kids right now

Girl driving a car: (smiles) Matthew McConaughey riding a motorcycle: (smiles backs) Me in sidecar with goggles: WHO WAS THE SMILE FOR

steve harvey: name somethin you might find in the shower me smiling way too big: um steve i’m gonna say soap steve harvey: in YOUR shower?? [crowd cheering] me: [smile fading] steve i uh steve harvey: SHOW ME SOAP [giant red x buzzer sound] me: b-but steve [crowd goes wild]

(doing some crowd work at my comedy show) you in the back, i am legitimately mad at you

wife massaging doordash husband’s shoulders after a long shift: you forget any sauces today

[on the phone] yeah we were gonna rage against the dying of the light later if you’re down [switches phone to other ear] you’re what? hold on [covers phone] this dipshit’s going gentle into that good night

cop chasing me: we got a runner! all units we- well he’s slowing down a bit. okay he’s walking and breathing a lot. like too much. hands on his knees. jesus this guy is out of shape. he’s motioning for me to stop but he’s still just so out of breath

me: yeah i don’t think i can make it in to work today- the minion i hit backing out of the driveway: no hay luz. no puedo ver la luz my boss: who was that

listen i know it’s not the point but this isn’t the worst time a vehicle has collided with a new york monument

costello: the first baseman’s name is who. Like the word who is his actual name abbott: oh ok