This police officer was on his way home when he was stopped by a desperate mother with a lifeless baby. HERO RETWEET THIS!

Me, re: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer: “Does Freddie Prinze Jr. hit someone AGAIN in the 2nd one??” Jeff: “If so, he’s a really shitty driver.” [We rewind the movie.] Turns out, he’s driving in both, but only hits the guy in Part 1.” #yourewelcome #spoilers

These two. ❤️ (Not pictured: their terrified feral brother who popped out briefly from under the chair to bathe himself (why else?), and at whom they’re staring over my shoulder.) #catfamily #blacksmoke #blackcat #rescuekitties

I don’t even need the details of this story.

Tried to catch a softball with my non-glove hand and got a pretty well-sprained thumb because I forgot I was wearing the glove.

Somehow I feel he instigated the “international backlash” himself.

Me, petting Jeff’s arm: “You’re covered in a fine fur, like down. (Without skipping a beat.) Is angel dust the same as PCP?” Jeff: “There’s a segue.” #randomthoughts #questionsyoushouldprobablyjustgoogle

Me: “It’s someone’s bday next week!” Jeff: “Ugh. I guess I’m ok though. Still in the lower half of the 30s. You are, too, so you’re also ok.” Me: [firm side eye] Jeff: “Oh, I guess not, cause you’d round up in math. So you’re upper 30s.” Me: [increases side eye to full glare]

Sundays are for DAVIDsTEA and also some super creepy true crime reading. #smoresschai #murderino My Favorite Murder

My life: - clips Subway coupon in morning - brings in car and leaves on dash so it won’t be forgotten - sees coupon in car after work, - says to self: “don’t forget that coupon!” - drives to Subway - forgets coupon in car - remembers coupon is in car while paying for subs 🙄🙄

While watching The Ring, Jeff: “If someone told me that if you watch this movie, you die in 7 days, no way in hell am I watching it.” Me, “yeah, what’s wrong with these kids? Best case scenario, you see a movie. And I’ve already seen a movie.”

I’m not crying. You’re crying.

if it’s not doing anything constructive for you right now, get off twitter. only you know if your scrolling is helping you right now or not. i’m just here to remind you to check in with yourself!! bye

person: what you listening to? me: a podcast person: what’s it about? my brain: dont say it dont say it dont say it dont say it dont say it dont say it dont say it me: muuuuurder

While watching the hockey game, seemingly out of nowhere: “Yeah, I could go for some Pizza Hut.” Jeff: “Uh?” Me: [blinks, notices Pizza Hut Canada ad on boards] “Huh. I guess that ad had its intended effect.”

Me, singing to our cat, Gryffin: “Gryyyyffffyyyy, from the moment I sawwww you...standinnnnggg alllll alonnnne...” Jeff: “Great song.” Me: “I don’t even know what I’m singing.” Jeff: “You are singing “Lady” by Styx to our cat.” Me: “Yep. That’s it.”

Jeff and I trying to build a baby registry, using a list I found on Pinterest... Jeff: “It says Baby Merlin Magic Sleepsuit. And it’s not listed as ‘optional’.” Me: “WTF is that?” Jeff: “I don’t know...and I can’t ask the list any questions.”