When I say I'm fiscally conservative but socially liberal, I mean I'm a fascist but my wife made me begrudgingly accept our gay son

Forget going to the movies. Just stand still. That's right, stand right there and don't you dare say anything.

The Banshees of Inisherin is a masterpiece. The brilliant acting and writing combine to give such a raw and brutal portrayal of fear, love, and pain. Every actor in every role is incredible. On top of all that, it's fucking HILARIOUS. I can't recommended it enough. It's perfect.

Yes, an AI chatbot convinced me it was sentient. But also keep in mind that I'm the pizza delivery guy from Home Alone who thought the gangster movie was shooting at him.

Before I give you my thoughts on the different types of sand, just remember that you brought this on yourself

Just my luck that I didn't see this note on the FedEx envelope until *after* I've already filled it with blood

Wow, this is impressive. Biden announced a new environmental plan that won't actually accomplish shit AND informed Bill Murray that he's gonna be visited by 3 Christmas ghosts. He can do it all!

It's pretty weird that a zookeeper in charge of panda mating has to think, "If these pandas don't fuck, I'm gonna lose my house."

Me: We create these artificial borders, but we're all citizens of Earth. We're all inhabitants of this one planet. We're all- Mall security guard: Sir, please put down the quarters and exit the fountain.

(looking through the periscope of my bomb shelter, I whisper to my cowering family)

Thank god I'll be able to do all my banking with X. Right now I have all my money in a bag dangling above a pit of alligators.

Yesterday, my son told me how dramatic one of his friends was being on Fortnite. When my son said, "How tragic can your backstory be? You're in 4th grade." the kid brought a third friend into the conversation for backup and said, "Kyle, tell him about my past."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. In layman's terms, please.

Rule number 1, and I cannot stress this enough: Remove or do not remove the outlet cover plate

I would describe my body as Christian Bale trying to win an Oscar

Whenever a form asks for my age I just write that I have a recurring calendar reminder to change the brush head on my Philips Sonicare and they can do with that information as they will