My friend’s husband proposed to her at Outback Steakhouse because “she liked the cheese fries.” I like money, but I don’t want to be proposed to in Scrooge McDuck’s vault. Wait. Scratch that. Yes I do.

Don’t feel like you have to make out with someone on Valentine’s Day. It’s sort of gross anyway. instagram.com/p/Bt39bwrgOlW/

this is like a senior prank at a rich high school

I set my out of office email 2 minutes before I got a work email and I have never felt more alive.

me before 2019: happy birthday me in 2019: SWEET BIRTHDAY BABYYYYYYYYYYYY

“friend”: yada yada blah blah me: lol have you seen that episode where [fill in contextually relevant scene from TV show] “friend”: no me:

this tweet is about @dwanwambus

If you’re single and looking to get married, I’d suggest going on The Bachelor. You probably won’t find a spouse but you’ll wind up selling stuff on the internet and that’s cool too.

Drawer is a weird word.

no one: Me: what a day to be alive !!!

Jake Johnson has impacted my taste in men so much that I don’t even register seeing men unless they look like Jake Johnson. Every other man is a faceless talking void, which honestly, I could do without.

coworker talking about her baby she is holding: pretty cool baby!! coworker without baby: ....eah

Me in barre class: no one cares about a lady’s shoulders!!!!!! The one person who cares about a lady’s shoulders:

Book Proposal: "Girl, Stop Apologizing for Taking Your Seat on an Airplane and Start Apologizing for your Complicity in Unjust Systems of Oppression"