*During a full moon deep in the woods* Me: d..d.did you hear that? Bewarewolf: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE WALKING ITS DARK AND THE TRAIL ISN’T VERY WELL LIT!!! Me: HOLY FUCK

I alternate my dick pics with family photos so when I show my grandmother she might see a picture of our family

Me, looking in a mirror: That can’t be right

Wash your sister sauce.

Well it seems my boss is identifying as a cocksucker today

Some of you have never had to hold a fleshlight for your dad and it shows

If I’m reincarnated as a wall I hope it’s one without a glory hole.

I resent the brain freeze. I’m an adult, I know how much slushy I want to drink

I don’t have enough chromosomes to enjoy professional wrestling

*Alarm clock goes off* Brain: Hey, remember that super vivid dream you just had? Me: Yeah Brain: Now you don’t

Sad to report the hundred plastic grocery bags I used to store under my sink have somehow been replaced with a hundred reusable grocery bags

‘Bet you feel stupid now’ Yes. Now, also.

Why do cyclist do this thingy with their arm before they turn into my car

A nerd will ask if you want to see something super exciting and pull out a rock

The sound of me doing cocaine is keeping me up at night

[reading a book in first person] i dont remember doing any of this

I stand with Theo Von. He’s not crazy and neither are the rest of us.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent: "Because of Joe Biden I was forced to sell my little pink house.” "But you sold it in March of 2025, when Donald Trump was president for $21.25 million.” "Now you're just getting into semantics here. I'm not playing your word games."

Gavin Newsom's wife recalls telling prisoners at San Quentin about running over and killing her sister with a golf cart. She said that she wasn't punished because it was an accident but that the prisoners are doing life even though theirs was "probably an accident too."

LMAO whoever made this is a genius 😭🤣😂