TEXAS

Vendor holding scarf: for you my friend, good deal. 80 dollar. Guy: sorry I’m lactose intolerant

I’m an alien among the human beings

Two slice

To the man who watered down my mocha cappuccino: jokes on you, I can’t sleep either

Fun drinking game: staying so hydrated to the point you never leave the bathroom

You are my homemade mashed potatoes, biscuits and gravy

Do you call it pancakes or flapjacks, asking for a friend

How do people still believe in a round earth? It’s 2019 for Christ’s sake

No one: Kids in high school not invited to the party:

People still tie their shoes? It’s 2019, quadriple knot that shit and let’s go drink

Have you actually met anyone who writes their a’s like “ a “ ? Lmk, asking for a friend.

Instead of saying Lmao (which is wack), say LSHMSFOAIDMT (which is hip and cool): Laughed So Hard My Sombrero Fell Off And I Dropped My Taco. Thank you for listening to my ted talk.

HER BROTHER WAS A JEDI, RIGHT. AND WHAT WAS HIS SISTER? A P R I N C E S S. THE AMBASSADOR FROM ALDERAAN BRO. YOURE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOURE GOING TO TELL ME THAT IM WRONG? AM I WRONG? SHE KISSED HER BROTHER AND TOOK OFF IN THE MILLENNIUM FALCON, DOUG. GROW UP BRO. GROW UP.

I just trying to be someone’s rainbow in their cloudy day

Well, it happened. I accidentally pressed my joke Amazon dash button that orders a Kia Sorento.

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 12 years, since 25 Aug 2010 (via Twi Age 🥳).

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