'Lorde getting her bum out is all part of the Great Reset so fire up those nanobots and magnetize my face.' Say this to any Wetherspoons barperson tomorrow and you'll be given a free full English to celebrate the start of Euro 2020. #LORDE #EURO2020

Free orange shirt b. She just wanna be in bed

Occasionally I am reminded of my all time favourite piece of internet: this Reddit post from 6 years ago in which a guy claims he ruined dinner with his girlfriend's parents, after he refused to stop saying he didn't know what a potato was.

sorry if this isn't legit and they're looking to cast a dodgy film. @lauren_edwardo

some great insults on this thread Danielle Wilson

Given that there's dicks out there who think that Jim Davidson 'has got a point', I can only imagine that they grew up watching Doctor Who in the 70s and sided with the Daleks, hiding behind the sofa when Tom Baker appeared.#jimdavidson

'Management at Stoke Mandeville warn Jimmy Savile that if he bums ONE MORE paraplegic then they REALLY might have to take the master key off him'.

Operation Save Big Dog - Boris Johnson could curb stomp David Attenborough tomorrow, wear his bloody pelt like a fox stole at the next PMQs , and Tory MPs would still insist afterwards that 'he's apologised...we need to move on and wait for the results of an enquiry'.

Oh look it's me🙂 Delighted to be doing a session on Facebook and Instagram Ads next Tuesday for Women In Enterprise It's free but you need to register. Details below ⬇️

A shame Captain Tom missed Storm Eunice. Big Jet TV commentating, him white-knuckling his zimmer and trying to land back in his front garden after being lifted by a massive gust of wind. Would have been cracking entertainment.

Pls RT if you still wear masks 😷💙 (Lots of trolls telling me no one wears them and I just don’t think this is true)

Baby Blue - Badfinger Gary Crowley

Walk Away Renee - Left Banke, Emma - Hot Chocolate, Martha - Tom Waits, Bernadette - Four Tops, Me & Magdelena - The Monkees, Trisha - Advance Base, Sarah - Thin Lizzy Gary Crowley and BBC Radio London

Crossbows - Prohibit the Sale and Ownership - Sign the Petition! chng.it/Ggv8vw2RC9 via Change.org UK

Poor old #greggwallace . If he had nous he'd plaster on the slap, wriggle into a dress, and relaunch himself as 'Julienne Carrots'. There's a thin line between witless, sexist smut and FANTABULOUS sass, and that line's drawn with a heavy-handed kohl pencil. Drag up mate.

If your dad wore shoes like this when you were growing up, you have siblings that you've never met...who, like every secretary of state for Northern Ireland through the '70s and '80s, are nervous about every car they get into 'falling to bits'. They're probably midgets as well.

Born on a Train - Magnetic Fields; Subway Train - New York Dolls; A Little Train Number - Kenny Everett (a great bit of Toytown psych) Gary Crowley and BBC Radio London