The last impeachment seems so innocent now. Back then, I only wore a mask when my mistress put me in the cage.

Yelling on Twitter is literally yelling at a cloud.

When someone blames renewables for the TX ERCOT grid crisis, please remember ERCOT released the numbers yesterday. Wind- 21% of production. 13% of failures. Solar- there’s only 3000MW total on it. Coal and gas- 53% of production. 87% of failures.

#tedfled Perhaps we should respond in kind and flee Ted in 2024.

Ted's just got his overnight bag...yesterday's clothes, a toothbrush, his kindle, two hair dryers, a bowling ball, a Ninja Foodie Grill, and Emmanuel Lewis media3.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2021…

Word on the street is that Eric Bischoff hasn't changed his cooking method, and that his brisket remains "a little dry". Multiple sources confirmed.

Good to hear bass thumping and loud singing in the air in Austin. Not a bad night for a drink. #backinthesaddleagain

WATER!!!!!!!! Right out of the tap! And pretty soon we won’t even have to boil if before we drink, like we’re royalty! #backinthesaddleagain

RE 83 Weeks with Eric Bischoff Big Bang ep, I loved Eric Bischoff's plan to move WCW to Vegas. Perfect place for tapings, maybe w/ a casino sponsorship. Cheap flights, great (underserved) region for touring, LA is close and WWE is 3000 miles away.

Apparently we’re going to go from being down to one comedy club in Austin to having four!

If I get the job, I might get to go to Oklahoma and voice a puppet rapping about natural gas. So I don't want to hear any crap about how vision boards don't work. Dreams can come true, guys.

I like aging. It’s the one thing where I haven’t procrastinated at all.

FYI- Coronaweight doesn't count. From now on, everybody needs to pretend I weigh 25 lbs less than I do. Thanks.

Today is the oldest I've ever looked and youngest I'll ever be. No fair!

Socialized medicine worked. The French variant didn’t bother expanding because it would just get taxed to death anyway.

Is there a way I can voluntarily cancel myself from the culture and not have to hear the term "cancel culture" again?

One thing I’ve learned from the million mental health tests I’ve taken is that I’m apparently a very positive person. Can’t remember the last one that came back negative.

The great thing about politics right now is you only have to decide whose riots you prefer.