If you rage write “GOOD MORNING” on your coffee cup, no one talks to you for hours.

If your tweet really went viral without push or help from paid promos and you’re genuinely “just so surprised” then I dare you to put a teacher’s amazon wishlist for classroom supplies as your first and only reply to your own tweet.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call...” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Not sure if I’m depressed or just a miserable cunt at this point in my life. Is there really a difference?

My favorite place in the world? Your lap.

When you've been on the phone to Amazon for half an hour wondering why #HisTrueQueen won't download onto your kindle and the lovely Michael discovers you didn't pre order it! 🤡 😐😂😂Apologies to my hubby and Michael L at Amazon.co.uk . All sorted now 😃

[team building meeting] Boss: Everyone stand up Jim: ... Diane: ... Bob: ... Boss: I said, stand up! Jim: ... Diane: ... Bob: ... Simon: *eye rolls* Stand up

The new big boss’ name is Richard, and you’d think he would have a good sense of humour about nicknames. Anyway, I guess I’ll have lots of time to work on my tan now.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please? *entire restaurant gasps*

There is still a lot of room at @HeathmanPDX for the new #FiftyShadesOfGrey books. Thank you so much E L James 💙 if you can send replacements. Portland loves you!

Why is it always the wrong person the one that chases you?

Don’t fight gravity, stay in bed.

Things always seem worse on an empty stomach with no pizza in sight.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ...when did we get a shed?

The way trust sprouts wings and lies reminds us of gravity.

I have so much passion inside, it makes me scream. I just want to let it free.

The voices in my head are set on repeat, but no one is listening.

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

Proudest moment of my life. Sharing a list--any list--with J.K. Rowling (even a grocery list) would be a high point but this. This. Thanks to all the readers who still believe in magic and made TIME'S CONVERT a bestseller. Thanks to Ms Rowling who made generations of readers. 📚