Me: Twitter is not a fucking dating site! Also me: *is actively in love with like five of my mutuals on here*

My dad loved me just enough to not make me a man hating feminist and just little enough to still give me slutty tendencies.

Our biggest fans this week: anerdonfire2. Thank you! via sumall.com/thankyou?utm_s…

Roses are red.. Violets are blue.. If he doesn’t sleep over.. The side chick is you.. 😋

Please tell me I am not the only one who waves at a person in a car who is letting me go first and says "thank you" outloud as if they can actually hear me like a dope?

I thought my notifications were vibrating my phone in my pocket but then I remembered I have no friends and my stomach was just growling, again.

if you want cuddles and hugs get a straitjacket

If she puts on an Alanis Morissette CD... you’re gonna have a bad time.

“I dunno, he was just supposed to be a fuck buddy... or a maybe even just a ‘hit it and quit it’ kind of deal, but here we are.” 🙄 - me introducing my husband.

There are two wolves inside of me, your move Richard Gere

You know how most people make a list of things to grab at the grocery store when they get off work? That’s me... except it’s from the liquor store.

Not trying to brag but this cop just asked me if I knew my rear end is smokin’.