"DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille... 🤣

People often ask me how I smuggle chocolate into the movie theaters. Well... I have a few Twix up my sleeve!

People be like "Oh I didn't point out that thing stuck to you as I didn't want to embarrass you" Well that momentary embarrassment is better than the eventual embarrassment of realising you had the thing stuck to you all day

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately. I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian

My son’s teacher called today saying he's not listening in class. I said, “He doesn't listen at home either. Do I call you?”

Wanderlust (noun): A strong desire to travel

"I know this person who says they're disabled but they look fine" No, what you're seeing is the mask they put on to try and power through. Doesn't mean they're fine

THINGS WE DID DO: Built This City Shot the Sheriff THINGS WE DIDN'T DO: Start The Fire Shoot the Deputy THINGS WE WANT TO DO: Break Free Hold Your Hand THINGS WE WILL DO: Rock You Survive Anything for Love THINGS WE WON’T DO: Get Fooled Again Back Down Stop Believin’ That

Elon Musk If you lose your khakis in Texas, it means you can't find your pants. If you lose your khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.

One of those days where I'm freezing and can't seem to get a heat in me 🥶

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word. I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if any of us knew any French words

#EPiCMovie. Just got back from seeing this at the cinema. Baz Luhrmann's film showing lost footage from Elvis Presley's Las Vegas shows. It was absolutely epic! Absolutely amazing! There really was and never will be anyone like Elvis. Io absolutely love him 😍. Baz Luhrmann

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks, what is your problem?

Well done lads 👍 #ManCity

Elvis Presley's "Burning Love" is back on the UK charts, climbing to new peak positions thanks to the massive success of Baz Luhrmann's concert film Epic: Elvis Presley in Concert, proving the King's music is as powerful as ever more than 50 years on.

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat spinach as fast as possible. I'll call it Popeyedol. 😂🤣 #BadJokeFriday

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen: "I've never had a pot noodle in my life" he then goes on to try one on the show...😂😂

Fun fact - You can let people enjoy something you dislike without having to tell them why they're "wrong"

Keep only one voice The stadium-shaking showman or the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll? If only one legendary voice can remain, who is it? Freddie Mercury vs Elvis Presley Share your thoughts!