I don't think this guy I just tipped is a genuine bathroom attendant, and now I just want this blowjob to end.

Some of my friends run marathons or play hours of football. I have to rock back and forth 5 times on my sofa to get up.

Multiple choice question. Home Alone is... A: My favourite movie? or B: How I have the vast majority of my sex?

No this is Fat Club. Fight Club is further down the hall on the right. *BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT FROM ME!

Sometimes life can be a battle. But you're never unarmed with a sense of humour. It's the greatest weapon Mother Nature bestowed upon us.

I've masturbated to some pretty weird shit in my time, but this episode of Cupcake Wars is a new low.

Whenever I'm bored on a summer's evening I like to pop down to the beach and pee on strangers jellyfish stings.

Noah addresses the animals once they board the Ark. Ok, who remembers why I gathered you here? Elephants: We do. Goldfish: One more time.

Asked my new neighbour if she believes in love at first sight. She said no, and put your clothes back on and get the fuck out of my house!

I don't think Joel will need to have that awkward chat with his parents. He's just told them through the medium of ABBA. #BigBrother

Me: Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Hot neighbour: No. Me: Phew, thank god for that.

Whenever I see a Kardashian on the TV all I can think of is Darwin in his grave, curled into the fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably.

Does this mean we can start colonising again? I'm calling dibs on Kenya. the warm weather will be good for my arthritis. #Brexit #EU

Kanye has fame & millions in the bank, but he'll never know the joy of entering a gift shop and finding a keyring or mug with his name on it

Pistorius won't be entering many races now he's in jail. There'll probably be a few entering him though. #OscarPistorius #OscarTrial

I was having some troubles in life so I rang my local priest, he told me to go and see him straight away. I was touched.

Are we allowed to 'Her parents don't mention her at their dinner parties' shame Dani Mathers? #DaniMathers #BodyShaming #PlayboyDummy

As I kneel here with Ryan Reynolds dick in my mouth I can't help but think I picked up my wife's bucket list by mistake.

Call me old fashioned, call me outdated. But I just preferred it when women's eyebrows were made from hair.

I see a lot of beautiful women online. Especially during their free 30 day filters and photoshop trials.