Don’t walk through the old neighborhood with your wallet in your back pocket. Also make sure you’re wearing a magic cupcake hat that shoots cinnamon sugar…

If you ain’t never flung dung, (like not even once in your sheltered lil life!!) don’t expect my ruthless gang of hoodlums to initiate you.

When you see me in these cold streets, it’s floppy chicken type flow or it’s nothing.

I’m not good at comedy but I can withstand someone telling me how much fat and Caucasian I am.

*Old timey prospector looking at Palestine, Ohio* *slings pickax over shoulder with excitement* “I reckon there’s vinyl chloride in them there hills”

Mexican TSA has a service where they tell you your fly is unzipped, I know this because a Mexican TSA agent told me my fly was unzipped.

Call me Richard Nixon the way the dick appointment was taped for posterity by the library of congress.

Progressive Toronto yutes be like “Hooolleeee shordie, you’re bad as fuck, what are your cro-nouns, fam?”

Trump survived the weakest of gunshot wounds and, in that moment, GOP and Democrats alike had the piano notes from 50 cent’s “many men” blaring in their heads.

It’s been two weeks since the botched assassination and what shocks me the most is how many comedians pronounce roof like “rough”

Well the Trader Joe’s peanut butter stuffed pretzels are calling me Joseph Stalin because of how I wipe out a thousand of them every night without giving it much thought.

Can you eat other parts of huasca, or just the eye?

Hey if you show up to a dingy open mic to do stand up once a year: make sure your username is “(first name) (last name) comedy”

Mall of America needs better food. Fat rights!

Are you a comedian who’s cuter than 7.5? Use your extra stage time to tell stock, populist jokes. That way, the rest of us are sure to hate you!

Do you live in LA? Wear a terrible hat!

I can’t have my stand up online until some of you learn more knowledge and gain an attention span.

Once again: if you attended one open mic last year, make sure your socials have the word “comedian” plastered all over them.

“4 Me’s to poupon!” Triumph the insult comic dog, sending his clones to be sacrificed in a Soylent green-like future where dogs are turned into gourmet mustard.

Marc Maron just broke thru my drywall and lambasted me for a eating a chili dog.