Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile
Yo Semite Sam

@samthebearjew

color commentary

ID: 210879130

calendar_today01-11-2010 17:26:52

355 Tweet

174 Followers

787 Following

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Don’t walk through the old neighborhood with your wallet in your back pocket. Also make sure you’re wearing a magic cupcake hat that shoots cinnamon sugar…

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

If you ain’t never flung dung, (like not even once in your sheltered lil life!!) don’t expect my ruthless gang of hoodlums to initiate you.

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

*Old timey prospector looking at Palestine, Ohio* *slings pickax over shoulder with excitement* “I reckon there’s vinyl chloride in them there hills”

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Mexican TSA has a service where they tell you your fly is unzipped, I know this because a Mexican TSA agent told me my fly was unzipped.

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Trump survived the weakest of gunshot wounds and, in that moment, GOP and Democrats alike had the piano notes from 50 cent’s “many men” blaring in their heads.

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

It’s been two weeks since the botched assassination and what shocks me the most is how many comedians pronounce roof like “rough”

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Well the Trader Joe’s peanut butter stuffed pretzels are calling me Joseph Stalin because of how I wipe out a thousand of them every night without giving it much thought.

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Hey if you show up to a dingy open mic to do stand up once a year: make sure your username is “(first name) (last name) comedy”

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Are you a comedian who’s cuter than 7.5? Use your extra stage time to tell stock, populist jokes. That way, the rest of us are sure to hate you!

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Once again: if you attended one open mic last year, make sure your socials have the word “comedian” plastered all over them.

Yo Semite Sam (@samthebearjew) 's Twitter Profile Photo

“4 Me’s to poupon!” Triumph the insult comic dog, sending his clones to be sacrificed in a Soylent green-like future where dogs are turned into gourmet mustard.