Retweeting your own tweet is the twitter version of repeating a joke nobody laughed at just in case nobody heard you

There is just no reason (beyond basic geography) for Illinois to be this big. Can’t we just squish it a little bit or something?

I redact my statement. There is a town called paw paw, Illinois, which means there is more than likely a “paw paw patrol.” This has all been worth it.

I know I retired from gas-priced themed comedy, betraying the people when they needed me most, but I’ve decided to return in an attempt to redeem myself in the eyes of the populace. Gas? More like grass, because I’m sure spending a lot of green at the pumps these days!

The only thing higher than these gas prices is the lord. Jesus should’ve turned water to gas!

Jesus has risen… You know what else has risen? THESE GAS PRICES! Happy Easter everybody

Happy 420, I hope these gas prices don’t get any higher!

I’m having trouble explaining how or why, but Timothee Chalamet is the aioli of actors

Okay, all jokes aside, who let the dogs out?

After two years, I had the AC on my car fixed. It’s nice, but I’ll miss my favorite rural driving game I call ‘get sweaty or smell cow shit.’

When (if) I graduate college, I’m not going to be basic about it. It’s a big deal, so I’m going to do something unique, like go backpacking through Europe.

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 10 years, since 27 Jul 2012 (via Twi Age 🥳).

A real tragedy happened today. RIP JFK. I didn’t even know he was sick

Any old chump can dilly. But dally? That’s what separates the boys from the men.

New Year’s resolution: remember the Alamo. I forgot last year and will never forgive myself

Most mornings I hop up out the bed, turn my swag on. Today, regretfully, I woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. Never again.

There are three things I hold dear in this world. Wings, beer, and sports. Now if only some visionary would put the three together, I’d be complete

There’s one set of footprints in this chilis tonight…