gave me cookie got you cookie

When our kids are watching Arrested Development we're going to have to explain that $10 was a comically high price for a banana.

“finally a day off” My day off:

THE REHEARSAL season 2 opening with Nathan Fielder appearing like a ghoul out of hell should be in the TV shot hall of fame

oh so just because I made several purchases money gets deducted from my bank account?

i lost my job chapstick n now my car chapstick is in my work bag n my room chapstick is in my car n everything is just a fucking mess

“keeps the score” is not a violent enough description of whatever the fuck my body does

i’m not even catholic i’m just into guilt recreationally

“it’s all in your head” correct! unfortunately i am also in there

this is the plot of severance

imagine being an indie musician and you get broken up with through voicemail. fuckin' jackpot

it’s a really good thing cherries have pits. it’s like a slow feeder dog bowl for a guy like me who loves cherries in a way that’s dangerous to my digestive system. if they were any easier to eat i’d be cherry sick every day of summer

They should invent a food that sounds good for dinner tonight

one of the most important things I've learned in life, and I can't stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think

It’s called Vanderpump Rules