Scout: the besiegers have set up cookfires. They drink and feast beneath our walls! Captain: bastards Guy who’s obsessed with sallying forth: Maybe we could sally forth? I just think it would be cool. They’d probably be like “whaaaa-?” 😳

Huge jock pushing me into a locker: Fucking foot fairy. Did you make a Messi in your Ronaldos? Me composing myself: If I am a “fairy” as you say then you must be an ogre or some wretched beast of burden. Clairo if she was in cyberpunk: Polaaaroid of brain dancin’ with my choom

The sitter: aauuugghhh my back hurts I’m so depressed and gaining weight I hate this wretched life I so loathe myself The walkist:

Meg Ryan In Harry met sally: Ooooohh! ouuuughh! Me, an extra, loudly interrupting in the middle of the scene: Uhhh, I’ll have what she’s having! Producer: For the third time you motherfucker! That’s not your line! You just SIT!! Me, a former gifted student: Go fuck yourself

You have discovered curious cave Map marker added Me: Yeah… I thiiink I’m definitely gonna have to check that out. For loot, or even tidbits of lore! My tech-savvy companion gizmo: I’m not so sure about that Me, Genuinely pissed off: Yeah don’t get your sprockets in a twist.

He killed three men. With a joy division shirt. Hapless mob boss son: Unknown pleasures? Fuming mob boss: WHAT DO YOU THINK??! Fuck! Get out of my sight!

Put me on a deserted island and id get a Swiss army man situation going but instead of Daniel Radcliffe it’s a joy division shirt and I’m just using it as a weapon, shelter, food source etc

This is what the Romans saw when they looked north from Hadrians wall

Alright guys come on in, who needs to get their beak wet lol (remembering my buddy Robert the Beaked Man is here) I'm sorry Robert dude, I didn't mean anything by that

Eminem if he was don Cheadle: will the real don Cheadle please stand up

Eels… the snakes of the sea. #StonerThoughts

*getting noob tubed at the start of the round* Hey, did your mom have Tylenol when she was pregnant with you? Feel free to use this for yourself!

Hey - about the rapture. Sorry you didn’t get sucked up, buddy. If you still want that same feeling, I’d recommend checking out the track “the mother we share” by CHVRCHES. Enjoy!

When aliens finally land and find our earthly remains our skeletons will be hunched over so that the aliens would Think we were some kind of quadrupeds. The reason for that is because were always on our phones. #NarcisiticStonerThoughts

Yo can my homie shelbert slide thru?

Dude next to me on this flight just pulled out a deck of cards before we’ve even taken off this is either gonna be the best or worst flight I’ve ever had

World renown magician. He regaled me with his sleight of hand and it’s honestly some of the most impressive stuff I’ve seen. He was showing me photos of him in Vietnam and shaking hands with Reagan and Dolly Parton etc when he was young What have I accomplished in my life? Fuck