you know you have grown up when you don't expect the pub to start the night but to end the day.

what childhood trauma could have caused me to be able to share everything and anything but fabric softener?

i imagine our eggs and sperm over the age 40 to be like the last guys to leave a house party. funky, disoriented and a bit broken inside.

relationships are like mirrors break one and it will haunt you for 7 years.

i find comfort in the fact that a monkey could jump through a bus holding a machete singing Simon and Garfunkel - and people would still choose to look at the floor and contemplate their life decisions.

i cannot wait until the day we can all change our electric cars' sound to Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

fun fact: the hungarian national anthem is just a unanimous sigh.

family reunions are just generations of children and their parents denying trauma. together.

to everyone who texts 'u up' - drunk on a night out: if i wanna be disappointed at 5am on a Thursday, i'll just order a pizza from wherever is open at that time.

aha! so our entire life is really just trying to learn and perfect one skill - handling disappointment.

spotify must know my mental health cycles well - offering me a nick drake and harry nilsson mix after a week of solely playing tik tok hits.

all brits are super excited for storm Eunice 'cause finally there is 24/7 news coverage of just the weather.

Amazing that you can reach Rock’s level as a comedian and you still play gigs with no security