Hate cardi B all you want, but her songs turn you from a sad bitch to a bad bitch in .3 seconds. Okurrrrr

While deep cleaning my room I found a 4th place ribbon I won in gymkhana from 1998... apparently I commended mediocrity back in the good ole days #startedfromthebottomnowehere

Other bridesmaids: “let’s dress casual and not get super dressy for the bachelorette party.” Me: “yea that’s a great idea.” Me in my head:”is it even a bachelorette party without tight, slutty black dresses and stripper heels bitches?” I think not.

Happy fathers day to all the fathers out there. But especially a happy Father’s Day to all the guys who have successfully used protection and have not become fathers just yet. A special shout out to you on this day- keep up the good work.

I’m at the age that when people ask me “when are you getting married?” And I answer “ya ha ha never Kathy,” they give me a weird look and ask if I wanna die alone with 23 cats instead of giving me a high five and telling me boys have cooties. #TakeMeBack

Last Halloween celebration tonight. Mood: will it be too obvious if I dress up as a basketball player just so I can wear sweats? LeBron here I come.