𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐈𝐍: Student Charlie McKnight [𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐌𝐜𝐊𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭] has her mouth practically glued to her trumpet. Obvious, but why? To hide her blatant cock-breathe, duh.

So...having multiple videos of you staying late with the cheerleaders isn't evidence? Or, you know, eye witness accounts of what you do in their locker room?

𝐅𝐔𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐋𝐎𝐏𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓: The presidential Beth Ross [Beth Ross] Sex-Ed Awareness Act is being enacted soon. Her website states the need for "demonstrative volunteers" for this initiative, which I have obviously applied for. Field reporting segment coming soon.

𝐎𝐁𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒, 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐘: For the third year in a row, our newspaper's own Vanessa Chancellor [𝓥anessa 𝓒hancellor] wins the " Hottest Person in School " poll we opened last month! We'd like to remind all students this poll is, and was completely unbiased, as always.

You sure? I just checked, turns out you voted for me. Multiple times, even, but we didn't allow for duplicate voting.

I take the fifth.

𝐔𝐏𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄: A certain "Thea Holiday" [HIATUS] has maintained perfect student ratings across multiple websites for the past few years, which is completely unheard of. Bribery? Blackmail? Collusion? I reached out for an interview, and will share her methods soon.