Do you ever wonder how the hell you didn’t realize you were gay earlier

If a bisexual person prefers the opposite gender they’re still a completely valid bisexual

What I say: hA gay What I mean: this is literally the most adorable thing, you will be so cute together and you both deserve so much happiness and also this is super gay

If you don’t agree to say “that’s so sad Alexa play despacito” at my funeral are you really my friend?

That’s so sad Alexa play the Illuminati theme song 10 hour loop

I just told someone that if they get scared of their inner demons to just imagine them as chaotic Elmo, so I guess you could say I’m pretty good at advice

Y’all meet jish-dish and tysh-dish I spent a whole 30 seconds on them #TwentyOnePilots

Sometimes people are so worried about being right they forget to be kind

Happy to report that he made it home safe!!

@ my 11 followers I make lyric things now over on roofynoodle-lyrics

Me: I should definitely make this a priority, it is very important that I do this thing My brain: sounds great Me: I spent an entire day on this useless thing My brain: what about the important thing Me: what important thing My brain: Me: that’s a lot of screaming

I just thought “hey what if people use knives like forks and forks like knives” and I tried it with my steak and I was like “huh it didn’t work” like no shit Sherlock you’re using them wrong on purpose who raised you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Them *drinks a lot*: I’m going to regret this in the morning Me *shitposting on every social media account I own*: I’m going to regret this in the morning

If you ask someone a personal question it’s always nice to add “or is it private?” That way if the person has trouble telling people no they can answer with yes and they know you understand

My sister loves her kitten more than she loves me