I woke up this morning and I couldn't see properly, then I remembered that I always do this thing where I push baked beans in my eyes. I can now see perfectly However I only knew this with the benefit of Hienz sight.

I've made a parody of The Mat Hancock diaries. I will post once a day. #ToriesOut #ToryCorruption #LedByDonkeys #ToriesDestroyingOurCountry

Pandemic Diaries of Hat Mancock aged 41 and a third

"But I will ask ordinary families to pay for the vat sums of money that fuel company's get"

Whenever I'm faced with a difficult problem. I always think "what would Chris Martin do?", then I write a pretentious song, name my baby "Courgette" or something, then dance like a twat.

Today's Coaster Arrangement. This is our new puppy, Hester. She is wonderful. More Coaster Arrangements to come.

Today's Coaster Arrangement

Today's Coaster Arrangement

Matt Hacock to present Match of the Day on Saturday. Jacob Rees Mogg and Dominic Raab stand in as pundits.

Today's Coaster Arrangement

As an alternative to sitting in a bath of beans for Children In Need, I've just had Radox on toast, now my bum is bleeding, and I can smell colours.

Kate bush has trimmed down a bit. She will now be called Kate Brazilian.

Today's Coaster Arrangement

For my wife's birthday I have been practicing waving like one of her favourite authors. I will get up early on her birthday and surprise her with the wave. It's not much, it's just a Tolkien gesture.

Last night I fell down the stairs, screaming and carrying some tin foil and I accidentally got through to the finals of The Eurovision song contest

who's the coolest person in the hospital? - the ultrasound guy when the ultrasound guy's on his super-fly holiday, who's coolest then? - the hip replacement dude

The Society of Complainers should change their name to "IMRC"

just got told to "fuck off" by an 80's ska band. thats just bad manners.

What an exciting day I've had. I used this tool to press metal studs into things to hold them together. It was rivetting.